All of You Read online

  “I love you, too, Nina. You know I do. And you’re a wonderful sister.” The tears in Kat’s eyes spilled onto her cheeks, making everyone else’s eyes widen. She brushed them away. “But you know I hate worrying people for no reason. If it was a problem you could have done something about, I would have called you. But I’m not going to ruin your night – and Carla’s – by making you come up to the hospital over nothing.”

  Nina huffed again. “Well, obviously it wasn’t nothing, Kat, if Stella is asking about it!”

  When Kat didn’t answer, because she simply didn’t have the mental strength and it was questionable whether she had the physical strength, Stella said, “She has a few new lesions.”

  Carla’s eyes welled, her hand lifting to cover her mouth. Nina just stared at Kat’s face while Gigi gaped at her.

  “But the original one shrunk, which is great news. It means the Alternox is working…and if it worked on one, it has a good chance of working on the others. She has a few symptoms flaring up right now, but my clinical guess would be they are a result of what she’s been up to way more than the MS progressing,” Stella said. She gave Kat’s shoulder one more quick squeeze and walked around to face her, arms crossing over her chest and eyeing Kat with that too-perceptive gaze. “But I have a sneaking suspicion whatever’s going on today has nothing to do with the MS or any flu bug, anyway.”

  Kat’s stomach dropped.

  “Is it something at work?” Carla asked.

  Kat shook her head.

  “Are you and Danny fighting?” Gigi asked.

  Kat shook her head.

  Truthfully.

  “Then, what’s wrong, Kat? Because something is obviously eating at you,” Stella said. Her lips curled. “Don’t make me call Danny and get it out of him.”

  Kat nearly shuddered at the earful Danny could give Stella. And Stella’s certain siding of Danny on this particular situation.

  That’s all I need…Stella hating me, too.

  Because Nathan had done to Stella almost exactly what Kat had done to Danny. Different motivating factors, but abandonment was pretty much abandonment. And Kat could just see Stella taking what she’d done to Danny very hard. And very personally.

  Which is no less than you deserve.

  “Just tell us what’s bothering you, Kat. So we can help you,” Gigi said, echoing Danny’s earlier words almost exactly.

  Maybe if you weren’t such a crippled communicator you might be able to express a fucking feeling without it being the to-do of the century. Maybe your family wouldn’t feel so isolated from you and maybe they’d actually be able to help you. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to spend all those years feeling apart and lonely.

  Maybe if you could just open your mouth and talk like normal people, your life wouldn’t be a horrible mess right now.

  Kat had never felt so badly about herself and she’d never wanted so badly to just crawl up in a ball on her bed, pull the covers over her head, and just turn inward until the pain went away.

  Until she could somehow figure out a way to function without him.

  “I really do think it’s the same flu Gigi had,” she finally said. “I haven’t been able to keep down much food or water the past few days and I feel very worn down. Which, as you guys know, just makes the regular MS stuff worse.”

  “Is that why you’ve been crying in your bedroom at night?” Fi asked quietly.

  Kat shot her a dirty look, but Fi’s expression remained solidly in the compassion zone.

  “You’ve been…” Gigi shook her head, holding both of Kat’s hands in hers as she searched her eyes. “Why have you been crying, cara?”

  “The flare-up,” Kat said evenly. “But it’s better now.”

  “Then why did you sob yourself to sleep again last night?” Fi asked. “And why haven’t you seen Danny in a few days?”

  A momentary silence fell, knotting every muscle in Kat’s stomach, before Stella asked, “Did something happen with Danny, Kat?”

  Tears she could no longer contain spilled over and slid down her cheeks.

  “Oh, cara…” Stella knelt down next to Gigi and searched Kat’s face. “What happened?”

  “Did that motherfucker dump you, Kat?” Nina asked, face already flushed with anger. “Because, I swear to Christ, I will fuck his shit up right now – fucking Christmas or no fucking Christmas!”

  “Did you guys have a big fight?” Gigi asked.

  “Did he cheat on you, Kat?” Fi asked.

  Kat’s temper flared. “No, he didn’t cheat on me, Fi! And no he didn’t dump me, Nina!” She choked on a sob, the anger and hurt at them thinking ill of Danny only adding to her pain. “Stop thinking the worst of him! He didn’t do anything wrong!” “Sometimes things don’t work out, okay! Sometimes…” Another sob rose up and Kat squeezed her folded hands so hard in her lap they throbbed. “Sometimes things are just not meant to be!”

  Another silence, this one stunned, stretched out until Gigi quietly asked, “You guys broke up?”

  Kat nodded slowly. Miserably.

  Stella’s mouth dropped open. “When? And why?” She shook her head. “I don’t understand…everything was going so well…”

  “People break up all the time, Stell. You’ve all been through it. More than once.” Kat forced a tight, tiny smile. “My turn’s been coming for a long time.”

  A cacophony of fast, heavy footsteps bounded up the stairs and a few seconds later, all of the kids were bouncing around the kitchen, demanding to open presents.

  All of her sisters and her sister-in-law still giving her compassionate, confused looks that only made it harder to breathe, Kat managed to stand and walk into the living room.

  “Come on, guys,” she called over her shoulder, to the kids. “You can open Zia Kat’s gifts first.”

  An hour and a half later, all gifts were opened and the kids were happily playing with their stuff. Kat finally saw an opening to get out of there…to finally go back home – away from everyone’s prying eyes – and do the whole crawl-into-bed-pull-the-covers-up-and-introvert thing she’d been dying to do since she’d crawled out of bed this morning.

  But, before she could make her escape, Carlo came walking into the living room, carrying the ugliest teddy bear gift bag Kat had ever seen.

  He lifted it up. “I found this by the front door. Zia Kat must have brought it. It’s from Danny for Gia.”

  What was left of Kat’s heart plummeted and pounded. Her palms went clammy, her raw throat tightened some more, and her already sore eyes welled again.

  “Oh, uh,” Stella began, jumping off the couch toward Carlo. “I brought that. We brought that. Nathan and I.” She grabbed the bag from Carlo. “He, uh, gave it to Nathan. At work yesterday. To give to Gia.” Stella shot Kat a look, expression pained.

  Carlo’s brows dropped. “But why would Danny give it to you and not Zia Kat?”

  “Go eat some more cake and stop asking so many questions!” Gigi snapped at poor Carlo.

  “Okay, okay!” he shot back, lifting his hands with a hard laugh. “Geez, Ma.” Carlo turned away, “Sorry for living.” He walked away, muttering something about the crazy women in this family.

  “Let’s see what Danny got Gia!” Gabby said, rushing up to grab the bag from Stella.

  “Oh, no, that’s okay!” Stella tried grabbing the bag back from Gabby, but Gabs was too quick and too excited.

  Marco looked around the room, laughing. “What’s got everyone so jumpy? And weird?” He gestured for Gabby to bring the present to Nathan, who was holding Gia in his lap. “Go sit by Gia and help her open it, Gabs!”

  “Maybe we should wait,” Nathan said, shooting Kat a quick look. After seeing the awfulness Kat knew was on her face, he shot Stella a quick, imploring look. “Yeah, ‘cause, uh, Gia is getting pretty tired.”

  Of course, Gia chose that exact moment to start laughing manically and clapping her hands, all excited when Gabby handed her the Barbie box Gabby had already taken out of t
he bag.

  The stupid, totally ridiculous Barbie…that came with the dog that pooped…that Gia wouldn’t have the slightest idea what to do with for another year…whose little pieces would give Nathan a heart attack just by looking at them…

  Kat made herself sit there and watch the little ones squeal with delight over the huge box of nightmarish, totally age-inappropriate Play-Doh.

  Made herself watch as Gia’s face lit up when Gabby handed her the stuffed puppy. Made herself watch Gia squeeze it, kiss it, and laugh with delight when some touch-activated thing inside of it went off, making it bark.

  And she made herself sit there, damn near paralyzed with grief, as Gabby reached into the bag and pulled the small, pink, velvet box out.

  Gabby pried the box lid open. “Oh, how pretty!” she exclaimed, before turning the box to face Gia. “Look, Gia! Look at the pretty bracelet Danny got you! It says…” Gabby turned it back around, scrunched up her face, and tried to read the cursive lettering.

  “It says Beloved Goddaughter,” Kat choked out, now fully sobbing in front of everyone. Her hand came up to cover her mouth, but the hard, painful sobs wracking her body couldn’t be contained…not by her will and certainly not by five fingers and a palm.

  “Zia Kat, what’s wrong?” Anthony asked, rushing over to her, clearly alarmed at seeing his usually very sedate aunt bawling like a baby. He glanced around the room at the adults, who were also just staring at Kat, mouths open. “Someone help Zia Kat! What’s wrong with her?”

  Kat forced a smile through her tears and sobs, shaking her head. “I’m fine, Anthony. Everybody. Really.” She did accept his hand and let him pull her to a stand. “But I do need to go. I need…some air…I need the keys.” Kat met Fi’s eyes. “Now, please. Someone else can drive you home.”

  “Oh, Kat, honey…” Stella said, making her way over.

  Kat waved her off. “No, Stella…please…not now…I need to go…”

  “Let me take you,” Fi said, already moving to grab their purses and jackets.

  Kat shook her head again. She grabbed her jacket and purse from Fi and held out her hand, fending everyone off. “I need to go. I need to…be alone. For a little while.” When Fi hesitated, her eyes filling with tears at Kat’s obvious pain, Kat whispered, “Please.”

  Fi reluctantly handed her the keys, which Kat grabbed before making her way to the front door as quickly as possible.

  “Kat, cara, are you sure-”

  Kat slammed the door behind her before she heard the rest of Gigi’s sentence.

  She stumbled toward the car, way too hastily for her pathetic, worn-out body, apparently, because she fell forward onto her hands and knees. The snow prevented her from getting hurt, but it also made it more difficult for her to get up. Kat struggled for a few seconds, trying to get her feet beneath her, before just stopping and allowing herself to cry. She didn’t know where her body was finding hydration to fuel so many tears, but they flowed endlessly, blazing down her now freezing cheeks.

  “You’re okay, Kat, stay right there. I’ll get you.”

  Kat heard Nathan’s boots crunching into the snow behind her. She shook her head vehemently and lifted a hand – and Nathan immediately halted. Kat opened her mouth to tell him she didn’t want his help, that she didn’t deserve anyone’s help, but no words would come out.

  Tears still streaming down her cheeks, Kat did manage to shake her head again.

  “You don’t want my help?” When Kat nodded, Nathan exhaled a hard sigh. “At least let me get you into the car.”

  Kat shook her head again. After another momentary hesitation, she heard Nathans sigh and reenter the house, shutting the door quietly behind him.

  Her hands tingling and burning, and her yoga pants soaked, Kat finally forced herself to her feet and struggled the rest of the way to Fi’s car. Once inside, Kat turned over the ignition, threw it into reverse, and peeled out of Pops’ driveway.

  Her legs were weak and half-numb from her fucked-up brain and half-numb from the snow she’d just kneeled in for two minutes. It made manipulating the pedals difficult and that, coupled with the already wintry roads and Kat’s chaotic emotional state, made for a lot of skating stops, erratic turns, and dangerous speeding she would have typically never engaged in.

  With a manic bark of laughter, she wondered if maybe, just maybe, she drove crazily enough, Danny might pull her over.

  Never mind he wasn’t a traffic cop and never mind she already knew he and Nathan weren’t working until later tonight. But, over the past fifteen minutes, the desperation to see him had gone from frantic to uncontrollable.

  Kat had never felt so unrestrained in her life…like her brain had shut down completely, leaving only her heart in charge. She was acting on pure instinct, without any forethought, rationalization, or decision-making implemented.

  It was akin to what Kat imagined an out-of-body experience might feel like – standing outside of yourself and watching your body do things your brain hadn’t told it to do. It should have terrified her, but she was too far beyond cognizance to care right now.

  All she could think about was getting to him.

  All that fueled her was a need to see that he was okay.

  And to ensure that, even if it was only for a very short while, that Danny would not be alone.

  Not today.

  Not on Christmas.

  Never mind she’d broken up with him.

  Never mind she was supposed to be allowing him to get over her, heal, and move on.

  Never mind that she was, once again, behaving in a selfishly cruel way she’d eventually hate herself even more for.

  “I just need to see him,” Kat whispered to herself, into the stillness of the interior of the car. “Just for a second. And then I’ll go. And I’ll leave him alone. Forever. I’ll never bother him ever again.” Her voice caught on yet another sob as she turned onto his street. “I’ll just check on him. Quickly. Because I just need to see him. Just for a second.”

  Kat pulled into his driveway, behind his car – the relief at being near him again flooding her body…calming every frayed nerve, soothing every jagged edge of her heart, and loosening every knotted up muscle in her stomach.

  She stared at the front of his house, excited nearly beyond what she could handle knowing she would be talking to him, standing near him, very shortly.

  “I just need to see him,” Kat whispered one last time. “One last time. Just for a second. And then I’ll go. And I’ll never, ever bother him again.”

  Chapter Forty

  ‡

  For a split second, Kat considered pulling out the key he’d given her, but then reminded herself she was no longer welcome in a you’re-going-to-live-here-soon-too capacity. That she was now just a guest like everyone else.

  No, worse than that…

  An unwelcome visitor.

  Not that it was going to stop her.

  Not that anything could have stopped her.

  Kat knocked on his door and then held her breath.

  As she heard his heavy footsteps making their way to the front door, Kat’s leg muscles gave out a bit. She gripped the black, wrought iron railing on his porch and leaned into it.

  Or maybe my knees are going weak…

  Knowing I’m about to see him.

  Be near him.

  Talk to him.

  Maybe even accidentally brush up against him…

  Kat shook her head against the unrealistic, unhealthy, and downright dangerous desires swirling around her non-functioning brain.

  You’re just checking on him.

  Making sure he’s okay.

  And then leaving.

  And never coming back.

  Ever.

  A second later, the door swung open and every last cell in Kat’s nervous system went nuts.

  Kat took him all in: baseball hat on backwards, dark gold/brown scruff covering his cheeks and neck, beautiful lips, his thick arms…

  The gorgeous b
ody she knew lay beneath his clothes, a body she knew almost as well as she knew her own…

  Blue-green eyes that had once gazed at her with such tenderness, love, and adoration…that were now eyeing her with such antagonistic coldness…

  And, in that moment, staring up into his face, all Kat could think was:

  I’ve been drowning.

  I’ve been starving.

  I’ve been gasping for air.

  I’ve been slowly disintegrating, until I’ve hardly felt like a person at all.

  I’ve been dying.

  Without you, Danny.

  As her body came back to life for the first time in days, the only thing her brain screamed and her heart whispered over and over was:

  I love you, Danny.

  I love you, Danny.

  I love you, Danny.

  Judging by the hard expression on his face and the indifferent way he’d just leaned against the doorframe, arms crossing over his chest, Danny wasn’t feeling quite as happy to see her.

  Which she’d fully expected and deserved.

  Suddenly, foolishly, Kat wished she could turn back time. To go back to the way they’d been before she’d lied to him, hurt him, and lost him.

  So I could throw my arms around you.

  So I could kiss you.

  So I could tell you how much I love you.

  Kat tried swallowing down the knot in her throat and blinking against the tears forming in her eyes.

  So you could hold me.

  So you could touch me in all the ways only you have touched me….the ways only you know how to touch me…the ways I never want anyone but you to touch me.

  So I could hear you say, one more time, in that wonderful, deep, beautiful voice of yours…

  “I love so much, Kat…you know that, right?”

  So I could hear you call me “sweetheart” one last time.

  Kat bit her tongue to keep a hard, rapidly-rising sob from exiting her body and tightened her grip on the railing.

  When he just continued to stare blankly at her, not speaking, Kat’s ability to hold in her tears grew increasingly difficult.

  Say something!

  She cleared her throat and opened her mouth, but no words came out.