All of You Read online

  That the entire future he had been looking forward to was gone.

  Danny tried to leave, but the need to be near her kept him planted where he was.

  She doesn’t want you!

  She doesn’t love you!

  She used you!

  She lied to you!

  What are you, a glutton for punishment?

  Get the fuck out of here!

  With a final forced smirk, he said, “Bye, Kat.” Danny winked. “Thanks for the cherry. Not something I’d be into doing again, way too much work and very little reward, but it was an interesting experience. Tell Ben I said, ‘You’re welcome,’ for breaking you in. Lucky dog gets all the benefits without all the bullshit.”

  Kat let out a quiet little noise that sounded half-sob, half-whimper. She hugged herself tighter, tears streaming down her cheeks and her chest rising and falling with jagged breaths.

  You sick fuck.

  You still want to hold her.

  You’d still have her.

  You still love her.

  “Why are you crying, Kat?” Danny asked flatly.

  Because he needed to hear the answer, for reasons he wasn’t coherent enough to figure out or understand at this moment. He just needed to know.

  After a long pause, Kat finally cleared her throat. “Because I feel badly for hurting you, Danny,” she said, her voice hoarse and tight. “I know you don’t believe it right now, but that was never, ever my intention. And I really hope that one day we can be friends, because I think you’re-”

  Danny interjected with a hard scoff. “Yeah, I know…a ‘great guy with a lot of great qualities.’”

  Kat nodded slowly, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “Yes.” Her breath caught, more tears falling. A few more restrained sobs and the tiniest of smiles tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Yes, you are.”

  Danny’s hands were itching to hold her.

  Even now.

  But that wasn’t his job.

  Not anymore.

  Never really had been, as it turned out.

  Danny took a step backwards. “Bye, Kat. Take care of yourself.”

  She brushed away the newest tears and nodded, again. “You, too, Danny. Take care.”

  Danny took another few steps backwards, waiting for things that weren’t going to be said, until with one last look, he turned and walked away.

  “Good-bye, Danny,” Kat whispered.

  He stopped.

  Do not turn around!

  The woman does not want you!

  Not even enough for sex!

  Walk away, before you make an even bigger asshole out of yourself than you already have….

  Than she’s already made of you.

  Danny resumed walking and didn’t stop until he made it outside and to his car…

  Where he promptly banged the sides of his fists down on the top of the Audi, resulting in two huge, deep dents on the roof.

  Reeling hard and now in an enormous amount of physical pain, Danny managed to get the car door open and slip into the driver’s seat, where he spent the next twenty minutes replaying everything in his head over and over again.

  “Makes no fucking sense,” he whispered aloud in the car, shaking his head.

  It makes perfect sense, you just don’t want to face it.

  Kat used you for sexual sport and then dumped you. Yeah, a whole lot of shit went down in between, but, at the end of the day, that’s what happened here.

  Danny glanced up at the mirrored window of Kat’s lab, his chest tightening up.

  Only difference is she thought she loved you. For five minutes. Which is as close as you’ll ever come to anyone actually loving you. Definitely closer than anyone ever came before…

  Hundreds of memories came flooding back, robbing him of breath and fucking with his mind.

  She gave me her virginity. She said she loved me. She said she wanted to be with me. She listened to all my shit and told me it didn’t matter to her, that she would love and accept me, no matter what.

  She said she wanted to be my family. Forever.

  But, as easily as those incredible moments had come to him, much more telling and painful realizations arrived.

  She’d never had a relationship before. She’d never had sex before. It’s easy to see how her body would trick her mind into believing she loved you, when she didn’t. She felt safe with you, able to do and say and feel stuff she hadn’t felt comfortable enough to allow with anyone else…

  Especially since it took you exactly two seconds to start fawning over her, admitting your feelings to her, and planning to marry her for Christ’s sake.

  The humiliation slammed into him and Danny’s stomach knotted up tighter.

  Jesus, could you have made it any easier for her? A little attention, some sex, and a few sweetly-spoken lies and you bare your soul to her like the desperate, pathetic excuse for a man you’ve always been…and that, obviously, you always will be.

  Danny looked down at his throbbing hands and flexed them, purposefully causing himself more pain.

  No wonder she doesn’t want you. No wonder she doesn’t love you. No wonder she’s already moved onto to a guy that might actually come close to deserving her. You should have seen this coming a mile away…your own damn fault you were too weak and pussy-whipped to see it.

  Danny thought about the stuff he’d shared with her and nearly choked on the regret, shame, and self-loathing.

  Why would she saddle herself with a tainted fuck-up like you? She is a young, beautiful, smart, funny woman who has her pick of any man in the world…what made you think she’d actually want to settle for someone like you?

  Your own damn parents didn’t want you and nobody has wanted you ever since. And, despite your delusional, desperate break from reality over the past few weeks, no one will ever want you.

  Not for real. Not for anything that means anything. Not when there are normal, cleaner, smarter guys out there.

  Guys like Ben.

  Danny thought about all of the disgusting, depraved stuff he’d done in his life. And then he thought about Ben…about the night he’d overheard Stella describing him to Nathan…

  Veteran.

  Decorated war hero who’d lost a leg saving his fellow soldiers.

  Super-smart engineer.

  Nice guy.

  Stable guy.

  “A safe, sweet guy…just what Kat needs,” was how Stella had put it.

  Danny scoffed mirthlessly.

  Wouldn’t they all be shocked to learn their innocent little nerd girl’s tastes ran way deeper and way darker. That she’d given her virginity to a guy whose sexual past gave new meaning to the words promiscuity and degenerate. That she’d wanted it so badly she’d lied to keep on having it, even after realizing she didn’t love him. That she’d been capable of lying right to his face to feed those desires…

  Yeah, but the good guy still won, didn’t he? Because, as much as she obviously wanted your body, she still chose to end it…because, even with your insane chemistry, you were still too much to take on and not enough to make her stick around.

  You were still impossible to love.

  Danny started up his car, but didn’t drive away for a while.

  Because there was still something not sitting right with all of this. Things nagging the back of his brain.

  Kat’s not a liar.

  She’s not some experienced woman who knows how to manipulate men and gets off on using them.

  Everything she did and said rang true. And felt real.

  Danny glanced back up at her window, allowing himself the pleasure of continuing to doubt.

  The way she’d crying…the pain in her eyes…the way she’d whispered his name as he’d walked away…

  It had almost sounded like a plea. Like a plea to turn around…maybe even to stay.

  But why would she say all that shit and break up with you, then? What possible reason would she have to push you away?

  None came to him.
Because none existed.

  You’re reaching here. You’re wishful thinking. You’re grasping at any straw that would allow you to walk back into that building and talk to her again.

  Nathan had a saying he’d annoyingly repeated many times over the years when Danny had gone off all half-cocked about something: The simplest explanation is usually the right one.

  And the simplest explanation in this situation was that Kat was attracted to him, she’d confused loving him with lusting after him, she’d realized it, but had been too selfish or guilty to say anything, and, then, had been pushed to break up with him when shit started up with Ben.

  Or because he’d stupidly asked her to marry him.

  It didn’t feel good to break it down and the pain that explanation caused was making it very hard for Danny to breathe, but it was the simplest explanation. And the truth, according to Kat.

  The only explanation and the only possible truth, really.

  Danny finally put the car in reverse, backed up, and slowly drove away.

  As he turned left out of the parking lot, not sure of exactly where he was headed, Danny began hating himself even more…

  Even with all this, you still wouldn’t take it back.

  Because you still love her, even though she doesn’t love you back.

  Because the time you spent with her – no matter the true circumstances – were the happiest of your life.

  Because, even if only for a short while and even if under false pretenses, you got to experience what it felt like to be loved. And to love someone in return. You had a chance to have sex with someone you truly love. For once in your life, you got to envision a future that didn’t include being alone. You experienced the ecstasy of imagining being married to Kat, living with Kat, and maybe even having babies with Kat.

  For the first time in your life, you allowed yourself to hope.

  And those experiences…those imagined joys…might just have been worth the pain you’ll be enduring for the rest of your life.

  But the farther away he drove, the more severe the pain became. With each additional mile he put between himself and Kat, the harder it became to breathe, until Danny was full-on panting…until the ache in his chest morphed into sharp, painful stabs…

  “Kat,” he gasped out into the silence.

  Already knowing she would never answer him again.

  That he was once again, and would be continued to always be, all alone in the world.

  Without her love.

  Which, as it turned out, he’d never actually had to begin with.

  That fact should have made it easier to let her go.

  But it didn’t.

  Because it didn’t really matter.

  Danny loved her.

  And he always would.

  And that was the agonizing pain he’d have to somehow learn to live with or go fucking insane trying.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

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  Kat pushed her ravioli around her plate, but couldn’t bring herself to actually lift it to her mouth, let alone chew the damn thing or swallow it. After making yet another figure-8 in Gigi’s meat sauce, Kat finally gave up. She set her fork on the edge of her plate and reached for her water, forcing herself to take a few sips.

  As she set her glass back onto the table, Kat glanced up and caught Stella staring at her. Kat forced the best smile she could manage, but it was feeble at best, which elicited a dreaded brow quirk of concern from Stella.

  Thankfully they were all around the table, eating Christmas dinner, so Kat had more time to mentally prepare for the interrogation she knew was rapidly approaching.

  “It’s too bad Danny couldn’t come today, Kat,” Marco said, leaning forward to look down the table at Kat. “What did you say he had going on?”

  Kat hadn’t said. In fact, she’d hardly spoken since she and Fi had arrived a few hours ago. Everyone had asked, at least once, what was wrong, and Kat managed to deflect their concern by blaming her malaise and fatigue on a flu bug she’d probably picked up from Gigi.

  Kat had tried her absolute best to return smiles. And make small talk. And exude some small measure of Christmas cheer. But she’d failed miserably on all counts and was continuing to fail miserably by opening her mouth to answer Marco, but not having any words come out.

  “I think Danny’s shoulder was acting up again, right, Kat?” Nathan said from across the table.

  When Kat’s eyes snapped up to his (the first time she’d had the nerve to look Nathan in the eye, knowing he must know every awful detail of what had gone down), Nathan dipped his head in a nod. Which prompted Kat to nod, too.

  Nathan gave her the slightest of smiles and turned back to feeding Gia some smashed up pasta. “Yeah, he’s really gotta get that thing looked at again.”

  Nathan’s compassion was not something Kat had anticipated, nor something she understood, but she gratefully accepted it and tried not to let it push her any closer to the emotional breakdown she was rapidly nearing.

  She was also beyond grateful that Nathan seemed to have kept his knowledge about what happened to himself. Because there was no way Stella knew. Because, if Stella had known, no force on earth could have kept her from shoving her nose right into it and trying to “fix” it.

  “Kat can take leftovers home for him,” Gigi said, giving Kat a warm smile. “Knowing him, he’ll be disappointed he missed all this.”

  The lump in Kat’s throat expanded as she managed another nod.

  Because she was the reason Danny was alone on Christmas.

  Their conversation back at California Pizza Kitchen came rushing back to haunt her:

  “What do you do on holidays?”

  “Catch up on my reading, hang around the house…you know, just relax. While everyone else is stressing, I’m enjoying some R & R.”

  Except Kat knew he wasn’t resting or relaxing. She’d known it that night and she knew it much better now.

  You promised him a family. You promised him he’d never be alone again. You promised him you were his home.

  You lied.

  Thanks to your short-sightedness, selfishness, and lies he is more than alone right now…he’s alone and heartbroken.

  You damaged an already incredibly damaged man all for your own egocentric, foolish feelings. You should be the one alone, not him. He did nothing but love you and you abandoned him.

  It should be him sitting here, not you.

  Because he obviously knows the meaning of family a lot better than you do.

  Kat’s breath caught in her chest and she rubbed at the ache, already knowing no physical manipulation could ease her pain.

  The pain she’d caused.

  The pain she deserved for what she’d allowed to happen.

  The pain she knew she’d be living with for the rest of her life.

  Kat managed to choke down a ravioli, two bites of a cannoli, and a half a glass of water. She’d hardly been eating or drinking for the past few days and she could feel the effects that lack of hydration and nutrition were having on her symptoms. She’d been even weaker, experiencing more shock sensations, and the numbness in her left foot was nearly constant.

  Finally, the torture of sitting at the dinner table, under everyone’s scrutiny, ended. The guys cleared the table and headed downstairs to let the kids run wild, while Kat mentally prepared herself for the Ciaramitaro firing squad.

  As soon as the last male member of the family had finally meandered downstairs, Carla grabbed a dining room chair and dragged it into the kitchen.

  She smiled at Kat, concern in her eyes, and patted the back of the seat. “We’ve got this today, but sit and keep us company.”

  As much as Kat wanted to prove she was “fine” to alleviate their concern, she didn’t have it in her. She was just too heartbroken, exhausted, and physically weak to do much more than sink into the chair and wrap her arms around her midsection.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you, Kat?” Nina demanded, leaning a hip
into the kitchen counter and crossing her arms over her chest. She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head, evaluating. “You look like shit. And you haven’t said two fucking words all day. What’s going on?”

  “Hey, wanna drop the F-bomb a few more times on Jesus’ birthday?” Fi asked, deadpan, eliciting an eye roll from Nina.

  Gigi shot Nina a dirty look before meeting Kat’s eyes, her own full of blatant concern. “Nina’s right, cara.” She crouched down in front of Kat’s chair and rubbed the top of her thigh, brows low as she searched Kat’s eyes. “I know you said you had the flu bug, but this looks more serious than that.” Gigi glanced up at Stella, who was already behind Kat, rubbing her shoulders. “Do you think we need to take her to the Emergency Room, Stella, because she looks awful.”

  Stella leaned to the side and met Kat’s eyes. “Do you really think this is the flu? Or is this residual stuff from the flare-up the other day?”

  “What flare-up the other day?” Nina demanded.

  Everyone’s eyes now firmly on her, Kat lifted a shoulder. “I fell Wednesday at work. A guy who works in my building drove me to St. Mary’s.” She met Gigi’s eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, G. You were sick and C’s is always so busy right before the holidays. Plus, you had all the stuff for Christmas to get ready.” Kat gave Gigi’s hand a small squeeze. “I didn’t want you worrying about me.”

  “And why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Nina gestured to Carla. “Or Carla?”

  “Because, Nina, you would have gotten kicked out of there, anyway,” Fi said. “You get nuts in those situations and somehow security always ends up getting called. Thank God you’re a cop or we’d be bailing your ass out of jail on a regular basis.” Fi gave Carla a smile and wink. “Now, Carla, we would have gladly had join us, but we didn’t want to ask her to lie to you.”

  “Fi was there, too?” Nina exclaimed, eyes wide. She huffed. “I’ve gotta say, this shit…it’s hurting me. You know, I love you, too, Kat. You’re my sister, too. And I’m always hearing about this stuff afterward. I don’t get it.”

  Kat’s eyes welled.

  Yeah, well, get in line with the other people I love and push away.

  If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s suffering in fucking silence.