All of You Read online

  Not physically.

  Not financially.

  And not emotionally.

  Not ever again.

  But the truth was those empowerments mattered very little in moments like these, when the past felt more real than the present and there was no one there to convince him otherwise. Or to just hold him and tell him everything would be okay. That no one could hurt him again.

  That he was safe.

  Wanted.

  Loved.

  It was a dream – a fantasy – he’d had ever since he could remember. A fantasy that had gotten him through thousands of long, uncertain days and cold, terrifying nights. A fantasy he still clung to, despite knowing he was far too old to believe in fairy tales.

  The reality was no one was coming.

  They never had and they never would.

  He was entirely on his own.

  He always had been…and he always would be.

  Chapter Four

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  Kat heard the deadbolt lock turn and a few seconds later Fi slipped through their front doorway covered in snow.

  “Man, this weather will not let up!” Fi closed the door behind her, brushed the snowflakes from her long, dark waves, and stomped her boots on the doormat. She tossed her purse onto the couch and peeled off her coat. “I was so glad when Stella called and said you’d already driven home. The roads are awful.”

  “My leg started tingling right before I left their house, so I’m glad I beat the snow. All that pumping on the brake freaks me out when my leg gets like this.” Kat slid the World’s Greatest Sister silver bookmark into the crease, shut her copy of The Book Thief, and set it on the couch next to her.

  That bookmark never failed to make Kat smile. Fi’s penchant for getting involved in one hair-brained hobby after another had always been an endless source of entertainment for the Ciaramitaro family. The bookmark was from a metal-stamping phase Fi went through last year. Kat supposed the $200 worth of equipment and supplies Fi purchased were still somewhere in the apartment, but she hadn’t seen them in a long time.

  Fi’s current passion was jewelry making, which meant Kat spent more nights than not clearing crap off the kitchen table and stepping on all manner of beads, clasps, and wire.

  “It’s your right leg today?” Fi dropped onto the couch next to Kat, pulled the afghan over them both, and cast a worried look at Kat’s lower half.

  “Yeah. It surprised me, too. Haven’t had trouble with the right one in a while.” Kat shrugged and gave Fi what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m sure it’s no big deal. Probably just the meds working themselves out.”

  Truthfully, Kat was worried. It was one thing to have a bum leg, but quite another to have two, especially when it could mean the disease was progressing.

  “Stella didn’t mention anything to me about your leg,” Fi said, brows furrowed.

  “That’s because I didn’t say anything to her about it. Because then she would have called you, Gigi, Nina, Carla, Pops, and probably the damn National Guard. You know how she gets.”

  The sisters exchanged a knowing look.

  “Well, I was about to tell you that Michael is sending me to San Francisco for the week, but maybe I shouldn’t go,” Fi said.

  Michael was Michael Monroe, the Cuyahoga County Prosecutor and Fi’s boss. He was a bit of a pompous ass and suffered from a mild Napoleon complex, but was overall a decent guy.

  For a lawyer.

  Kat waved off Fi’s words. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll be fine. I’ve had MS since I was twenty-one and have managed just fine on my own, for the most part. No need to rearrange your life.”

  “What happens if you’re home alone and things get bad?” Fi chewed at her thumbnail thoughtfully. “Maybe you should stay with Pops or one of the sisters for the week. Stella and Nathan would love the help and you know Gabby and Sam would die to have you stay with them for a whole week.”

  Nina and her wife, Carla, had adopted two baby girls from Guatemala. For reasons beyond Kat’s comprehension, Gabby, now six, and Sam, now four, found her very entertaining and fun to be around. Kat chalked it up to her willingness to listen to hours of chit-chat about Monster High dolls and her humorous attempts at Just Dance 4. Kat also bought great presents like home chemistry kits, volcano building sets, and a huge telescope Nina had been less than thrilled about putting together.

  In fact, Nina still bitched about that telescope to this day.

  Which still made Kat smile.

  “I’m not going to intrude on anyone.” Kat rolled her eyes. “I’m perfectly capable of staying here by myself for a whole week, Fi. You’re not here most of the time anyway.”

  “I guess,” Fi said, but she didn’t look convinced.

  “Promise me right now you will not say a word to Pops or the other sisters.” When Fi didn’t respond, Kat pinched her arm. “Promise. Me.”

  “Alright! Alright!” Fi smacked Kat’s hand away. “Fine. Geez. Just trying to love you, that’s all, Kat. I know how much you hate it when people try to love you, but I can’t help it.”

  Kat harrumphed.

  Fi nestled into the couch and slung her legs up over Kat’s. “I leave in a few days,” she said through a yawn. “I’m kind of excited, too. I’ve always wanted to go to San Francisco.”

  “It’s really artsy-fartsy, so you should fit right in.”

  “Ha, ha. You are so hysterical, Kitty-Kat.”

  Kat pinched the skin on Fi’s kneecap hard enough to make a point and picked her book up.

  “Hey, not done talking. No book escapism yet,” Fi said. Kat slowly lowered the book back to her lap. “So, Stella says that Ben guy asked you out.” Fi’s face scrunched up. “On a date, but not really a date?”

  Kat shook her head.

  That little…

  “And?” Fi prompted.

  “And nothing. He asked, I said ‘okay,’ and we’ll probably hang out one night. No big deal.”

  “Tell me what he looks like again.”

  Kat sighed. “Does that really matter, Fi?” When Fi lifted her brows and waited patiently, Kat sighed again. “He’s tall and only has one leg.”

  Fi barked out a laugh. “Wow! What a description! Could you be a little more specific?”

  “Hazel eyes. Brown hair. Relatively straight teeth.” Kat shrugged. “He is vey intelligent and nice and I should be able to stomach an interaction with him without too much difficulty.”

  “Well, geez, Kat, that does sound awfully exciting.” Fi studied Kat’s face. “If you aren’t into him, why did you agree to go?”

  “Because you know how I get in those situations. I freeze up.”

  Fi shrugged. “The guy sounds like a hottie to me. Military service, college-educated, has a good job – oh! – and has relatively straight teeth.” Fi grinned. “Can’t do much better than that, nowadays, right?”

  Fi was probably right, but Kat still couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm about it.

  “I should set you up with him. You’d probably really like him. He’s socially-awkward and super-smart, just like you like,” Kat said.

  “Nope, no guys for me. Not even socially-awkward, super-smart ones. Not for a long, long time.”

  Kat met Fi’s bright green eyes and felt the old, familiar anger rising.

  Last year, Fi had briefly dated a guy who’d gotten physically abusive toward her. It had only happened once, thank God, but once was enough to scar Fi and put the entire Ciaramitaro family on the defensive.

  “You’re too beautiful, fun, and smart to spend your life alone.” Kat grabbed Fi’s hand. “Hey, you hear me, right? You have way too much to offer this world to lock yourself up in a cage and throw away the key.”

  “And we all feel the same way about you,” Fi replied.

  Kat shook her head. “Totally different. I’m better off on my own. But you…you’re gonna be a fabulous wife and mom someday. It would be a travesty to throw all that away because of one asshole.”

  �
�And it would be a shame for you to throw it away because you’re scared,” Fi shot back.

  Kat dropped Fi’s hand.

  She tried pushing Fi’s legs off, but Fi clamped them down harder. “Oh, no! You’re not gonna run away this time!”

  “Real nice, Fi. You’d physically restrain a weakened person like myself?”

  Fi laughed. “Weakened, my ass. You’re the strongest person I know.”

  Kat managed to extricate herself from the tangle of limbs and afghan before grabbing her book and stalking toward her bedroom.

  “I know you want to keep talking, so I’ll be right there in a minute, Kat!” Fi called after her. “We can gab all night and braid each other’s-”

  Kat slammed her bedroom door, locked it, and crawled into bed. She cracked her book open and read until she finally fell asleep.

  And then her Fickle Bitch of a brain pulled yet another fast one:

  Kat dreamed of him.

  All night.

  They were fighting…

  And then they weren’t.

  Kat woke up the next morning sweaty, tingly (and not due to any neurological issues, either), and utterly ashamed.

  It had been the most disturbing, unsettling, and enraging subconscious conjuring in the history of woman and Kat steeled her resolve to avoid him at all costs.

  Because for some reason he was triggering something in her she couldn’t explain, stop, or control.

  And that was beyond unacceptable all the way around.

  *

  Nathan pulled the cruiser out of the station parking lot onto Wagner Avenue and cleared his throat. “So, uh, Stella wants me to talk to you. About some…stuff. So let’s get it over with now.”

  Danny squeezed the back of his neck and leaned his head left, then right. He stared unseeingly out the cruiser passenger-side window. “I already know what you’re gonna say, so we can skip the lecture. Tell Stella you talked to me and that I promised to shape up.”

  “Stella’s not the only one worried about you, Mac. That shit you pulled last night? Passing out in an alley with your service weapon?” Nathan glanced over. “Not only was it dangerous and irresponsible, but, if something had happened, you would’ve been suspended from the force. Or fired.”

  Danny blew out a hard breath. “Okay, dad, I get it. Won’t happen again. Can we change the subject now?”

  Yeah, Danny knew he was being a dick, but he was in no mood for one of Nathan’s goody two-shoes speeches. He was still hung over, he’d tossed and turned all afternoon, and the bad weather meant a long, probably quiet night stuck in the cruiser with someone who was “worried about him.”

  Danny seriously contemplated shooting himself in the foot so he could go home.

  “Stella wants you to know you can talk to her anytime. About anything.” Nathan shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “I’m here for you, too, but, uh, Stella is probably the better choice. For obvious reasons. She’s easy to talk to and she’s very discreet. Maybe it would help you…I don’t know…figure some shit out.”

  Danny huffed. “First of all, if I needed a psychiatrist, I’d look one up. And, second of all, I’m not so sure about Stella’s discretion.”

  Nathan shot him a look. “Excuse me?”

  “You know, your sister-in-law is a real fucking bitch to me and I’m pretty sure I know why.”

  Nathan’s brows dropped. “Which sister-in-law?”

  “The stuck-up, snarky one.”

  “Fi? She’s not stuck-up or snarky. She’s just-”

  “Not Fi! Kat!” Danny shook his head. “That woman has done nothing but give me dirty looks and snipe at me every chance she’s gotten for the past year! Obviously you told Stella a bunch of shit about me and Stella told Kat! There’s no other explanation!”

  Nathan paused. “Yes, Stella has asked questions about your…lifestyle. I answered them honestly, because, A – she is my wife and I would never lie to her, and B – I had no idea you would care that she knew. When I told her, I never specified she keep it between us because, again, I didn’t know your lifestyle was a secret. Stella is very close to her sisters and maybe she did share some stuff with them, but that’s my fault, not hers. Had I told her to be discreet, she would have been.”

  “What kind of stuff did you share with your wife, because I’d really like to know if I can ever look anyone in that family in the eye again,” Danny snapped. “And stop calling it a lifestyle, for Christ’s sake. I drink alcohol, which I believe is still legal for people over twenty-one, and I have consensual sexual relationships with adult women. What about that qualifies as a lifestyle?” He shook his head. “I mean, seriously…I gave up the drugs when we joined the academy, I control my drinking – for the most part – and I use a condom every single time I fuck. I don’t see what’s so damn interesting about my life.”

  Nathan slowed to a stop at a red light and turned to face Danny. “Why are you so agitated about this all-of-a-sudden? I’ve known you for twenty years and I have never seen or heard you give one shit about what people knew, didn’t know, thought, or felt about how you choose to live your life. Why would you care what Kat, of all people, thinks of you?”

  “I don’t care what she thinks about me! I just don’t like people knowing my personal business, is all!”

  Danny knew he was coming apart at the seams, but was too tired and too pissy to care. And Nathan’s level-headed approach to this conversation was real irritating right about now.

  “If Stella did say anything to Kat, it was probably out of concern, but I’m still not convinced she said anything to anyone. She loves you, Danny, and would never talk shit behind your back. Not like that. Come on, you know her better than that.”

  Danny exhaled a long, hard sigh.

  Yeah, he did.

  “I’m sorry, man.” Danny stared out at the darkened city scenes passing by. “You’re right. I know Stella would never purposefully say nasty shit behind my back. It just pisses me off the way her sister treats me.” Danny turned back, a smile tugging at his lips. “It’s just freaking me out, because if my ability to charm the opposite sex wears off, I’m screwed. As you know, it’s my only real talent in life.”

  “No, it’s not, but it’s definitely one of your better-developed, that’s for damn sure.” A few moments of silence passed before Nathan said, “Listen, if you want my opinion regarding Kat – and even if you don’t – here it is: I’ve told you before that she is not like the women you typically spend time with. She says what she means, holds other people, and herself, to high standards, and dislikes nonsense. She’s also smarter than both of us put together and very, very guarded.” Nathan paused. “What I’m trying to say is, I wouldn’t take her behavior personally. Stella can’t figure out what Kat’s thinking or feeling half the time and Stella’s damn near psychic that way.”

  “I don’t take it personally,” Danny lied, to himself and to Nathan. “But it does aggravate the piss out of me. Being an emotional cripple is one thing, but being a total bitch for no reason is another.” Danny gestured toward Nathan. “Look at you. You’re the biggest emotional cripple I’ve ever met and somehow you manage to…” At Nathan’s quirked brow, Danny started laughing. “Yeah, okay, I see your point. You just come off as a dick to everyone instead of a bitch. Now I see why you guys get along so well.”

  “We do have a lot of the same personality traits, and, to be honest, I find dealing with her very easy. I love Stella more than life itself and her family is my family now, but dealing with them can be exhausting. When I interact with Kat, there’s no mindless blathering, endless hugging, or illogical displays of emotion. If she has something to say, she says it in a straight-forward, practical manner, and, if she doesn’t, she doesn’t say anything at all.” Nathan grinned. “It’s like heaven on Earth.”

  “I can’t help but notice you married Stella, though. Because, no matter how wonderfully direct and logical Kat is…” Danny said, rolling his eyes. “You fell head over heels for her loud, wild
, affectionate sister. It’s not Kat you couldn’t keep your hands off of, it wasn’t Kat you married, and it sure as fuck wasn’t Kat’s name you tattooed across your chest. Because nobody wants to spend their life with a cold fish like Kat Ciaramitaro – even someone exactly like her.”

  “You can’t help who you fall for, brother.” Nathan scoffed. “Trust me, I wish I would’ve fallen in love with Kat. My life would have been a whole lot easier. And cleaner. And quieter. Pretty sure Kat wouldn’t be waking me up in the middle of the night ‘just to hold each other’ and discuss shit so ‘we can feel more emotionally connected.” His tone suggested irritation, but Nathan’s barely discernible smile belied his adoration for his wife. “But that’s not how it works, you know? You love who you love. And, by the way, I think you’re being extremely hard on Kat. She’s not cold, she’s just very guarded. There’s a big difference. And don’t forget that she is also dealing with a serious illness. There’s a lot going on that you don’t see.”

  Danny waved off Nathan’s assessment. “Yeah, whatever. Let’s talk about something else, okay? Because I’ve had my fill of talking about her for one night.”

  Especially her disease. It made Danny’s stomach clench up just thinking about it.

  “Okay, tell me about the girl you met up with at the club. How’d that go?”

  Damn, the one thing Danny wanted to talk about even less than he wanted to talk about her.

  Normally, he would have jumped right in, supplying Nathan with every lurid detail of the encounter whether he wanted to hear them or not (and it was usually not).

  But Danny didn’t feel like it tonight. He didn’t know if it was the hangover, the lack of sleep, or the general feeling of bored restlessness he’d been experiencing over the past few months.

  Well, more like the past twenty years, but it had gotten increasingly worse over the past few months.

  Danny shrugged. “Nothing much to tell. I met up with her, fucked her in the bathroom, got drunk, and called you for a ride. End of story.”

  “You had sex with her in the…wait, what bathroom? The bathroom at the club?”

  When Danny nodded, Nathan’s brows dropped low.