All of You Read online

  “Did you ever try to find her? Your mom?”

  “I looked her name up in the system once a few years ago…not surprisingly, she died of an overdose a few years after I was born.” Danny forced out a short laugh. “Good riddance, huh?”

  “I don’t know. I think she sounds like a woman who probably had a rough life and made a lot of very bad decisions.”

  Danny scoffed again. “Yeah, well, if she’d kept her legs closed during those ‘bad decisions,’ she could have spared me a whole lot of my own rough times.”

  Kat’s hand pressed into his back, pulling them in even tighter. “I, for one, am very glad she didn’t do that…because then you wouldn’t have been born and we wouldn’t be together right now.”

  Danny suddenly realized that, for once in his life, he wholeheartedly agreed with that sentiment.

  “What happened after the state took you? I’m surprised you weren’t adopted as an infant.”

  “The woman who gave birth to me, her family tried to get guardianship of me for a few years after I was born. Every judge they went before found them unfit, ‘cause they were just as fucked up as she was. Plus, it was obvious they only wanted me for the state checks they’d receive. By the time they finally gave up, I was five years old, wild, and not at the top of anyone’s most-wanted list.”

  Danny allowed his mind to drift back to his very first memories. “From birth until I was five, I stayed with one particular family. They weren’t looking to adopt me, because, again, I’m sure pretty sure they were in it for the cash. They were nice enough, I guess, but there was zero supervision or guidance and I was taught a lot of hard, painful lessons by their older foster kids. I don’t remember much about those years, but those other kids’ faces are burned into my fucking brain.”

  Yeah, it was kind of hard to forget people who had spent years physically and emotionally torturing you.

  “By the time that family passed me along, I was a total wreck. The case file says I bit, scratched, and hit anyone who got close. I pissed and shit myself on a daily basis, stole things – mostly food – and ran away every chance I could. By that point I had become, for all intents and purposes, totally unadoptable.”

  “For God’s sake, why didn’t they get you some help, Danny?” Kat asked, her voice hoarse with emotion. “Some therapy or medication or…I don’t know…something?”

  “State-funded headshrinkers have more cases they can handle and they’re not equipped to deal with such severe behavioral issues. They did shove a lot of meds down my throat, which turned me into a more manageable zombie for a while, but those medications cost a lot of money – funds the state eventually decided wasn’t money well-spent when I continued to act like a little asshole even while taking them.”

  “None of the foster families you lived with wanted to adopt you?”

  “Uh, no. Each family held onto me for a while, for temporary income, but none of them were looking to deal with me for the long haul. And, believe it or not, that was a blessing.” Danny fought back a shudder. “Trust me, if any of them had adopted me, I would have killed myself, for sure,” he said more to himself, than her. “Death would have seemed like a picnic compared to living with any of them for a second longer than I had to.”

  Kat sat up, propping herself up on her elbow and stared at his profile. “Danny…” Brows low and her eyes searching his in the moonlight, Kat whispered, “What happened to you?”

  He thought about forcing a smile and saying, “Nothing.” He considered bluffing, diverting her attention, and flat-out lying to her face about everything. Because it was stuff he wasn’t looking to relive and, even more importantly, stuff he wasn’t looking to lay on her.

  But they were alone. Safe in the dark.

  He loved her.

  Kat loved him.

  And Danny had been holding so much shit in for so many years that sometimes he felt like he might explode.

  If they were going to do this…if they were going to be together and share their lives…Kat deserved to know the truth.

  If only to give her the opportunity to decide it wasn’t stuff she wanted to take on, after all.

  Danny dropped onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. He tried swallowing down the knot in his throat with very little success. “A lot of really bad stuff, Kat.”

  “Can you…” Kat paused, and he felt her eyes on his face. “Will you tell me about it?” She wrapped her arm around his bicep and held on tight. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to, obviously. But I would like to know.”

  “And I want to tell you.” Danny shook his head, eyes still glued to the ceiling. “But I don’t know why, exactly.” He turned his head and met her eyes. “I don’t know if it’s because I want to get it off my chest or if it’s because I’m trying to scare you away, Kat. I know I don’t want to do that…not really, but that’s what it feels like inside. I feel like I want to tell you everything so you can reject me right now and get it over with. I know that sounds so goddamned fucked up…”

  She searched his eyes, head shaking. “No, that makes perfect sense, Danny. If you’re holding on to something that’s hurting you…something you’re ashamed of…of course you’d think someone finding out about it would earn you their rejection. You don’t want to be rejected, but you feel like it’s going to happen anyway, so why not get it over with now. I get that.”

  He’d be damned if she hadn’t just, logically and compassionately, hit the nail right on the fucking head.

  When Danny nodded, Kat’s lips pulled into a tiny smile as her eyes still searched his. “But that isn’t going to happen, Danny. I promise you that, whatever you tell me, I will not judge you or reject you.”

  “How can you say that without knowing what it is?”

  “Because…” Her lips curled more. “Unless you tortured animals, killed someone for shits and giggles, or took part in some terroristic plot, I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever it is.”

  Every muscle in Danny’s body tensed up at the knowledge he might stupidly, actually do this. That after decades of holding it in, he was actually considering saying it out loud.

  He held onto her eyes tight. “You might not feel that way after, Kat. And I want you to know I’ll understand if you want to jump ship…”

  Kat scoffed. “Again, unless this involves you performing child sacrifices, detonating car bombs, and/or admitting you like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I’m confident I will not be jumping any ships.” She gave him a little smile. “And I might even be able to forgive the Kardashian thing. Fi watches that shit and I still love her.”

  When Danny didn’t laugh or smile back, hers faded. Kat grabbed his hand and squeezed. “You can trust me, Danny. I love you and I want to prove to you that nothing you say will change that. But I also don’t want to pressure you. If you aren’t ready to talk about stuff, that’s okay. Just know that I’m here when you are ready.”

  Danny turned back to face the ceiling, threading his hands behind his head. A few minutes of silence elapsed, during which he waivered between baring himself completely to Kat in a way he’d never done with anyone before and holding on to this last scrap of dignity.

  Because once this shit hit the fan, there would be no going back. Danny would never be able to shove it back into its dark hiding spot again and Kat would never be able to un-know it. It could ruin everything – changing the way Kat felt about him, the way he behaved around her, and everything in between.

  With a deep breath in and an even deeper one out, Danny – for the first time in his entire life – let go completely. Because he loved Kat enough to give her total honesty, even if he meant he’d lose her forever.

  “Most of the stuff that went on in the foster homes was pretty standard,” Danny began quietly. “And most of it was between the kids. You know, regular stuff like beating up on the younger and smaller ones, getting each other in trouble, and stealing from each other – not that any of us had much to take. Usually things stayed pre
tty well hidden. No one wanted the adults to find out what was going on, because then it meant trouble for everyone.” He shrugged. “Of course, there were those adults who were in on it, encouraged it, or just plain didn’t give a fuck, too. And those houses were the worst, because pretty much anything went. Those were the houses where the really bad stuff happened.”

  Kat was trying very, very hard not to cry, because she wanted him to be able to get through this without having to stop and tend to her emotional reaction and because she wanted to be strong for him. But this insider view of what Danny’s life had been like as a foster kid was tearing her to shreds…and Kat instinctively knew he hadn’t even scratched the surface yet.

  Danny glanced over at her. “Remember I told you how small I was?” Kat nodded, not trusting her voice to speak, and he turned back to face the ceiling. “That meant I got targeted a lot. Mostly by the older boys. Usually, they just picked on me, beat on me, and put the blame on me when they got caught doing shit…”

  Danny paused again and Kat watched, breath held, as his Adam’s apple worked his throat a few times. The way his expression blanked out scared her to death, as did his eyelids suddenly squeezing shut.

  A few very long seconds later, Danny finally whispered, “But sometimes other stuff happened, too.”

  The massive surge of adrenaline suddenly coursing through her body activated a whole lot of fight-or-flight physiological responses all at once.

  Not because Kat wanted to flee from him, but because she wanted to fight for him.

  In fact, fight didn’t come close. Kat felt downright murderous right now. Murderous and heartbroken and physically sick.

  “Do you understand what I’m saying, Kat?” he asked – voice tight and eyes still closed.

  Kat nodded once, even though he couldn’t see her. “Yes.”

  “Are you uncomfortable? Do you want me to stop?”

  Kat wanted to throw her arms around him for being so considerate of her feelings while his had obviously been killing him slowly for a long, long time.

  Instead, she said, “Yes, I am uncomfortable, but, no, I don’t want you to stop.” Kat fisted her fingers into the comforter and made her voice as steady as possible. “Tell me what happened to you, Danny.”

  Danny’s eyes eventually opened, but Kat knew he didn’t see the ceiling. Or anything else. He was a million miles away, someplace Kat was very sure was too horrible for words.

  When he didn’t speak for a long time, she whispered, “I love you, Danny. And nothing you say will change that.”

  He flinched and the tears Kat had been holding back fell down her cheeks. Danny exhaled a long breath, turning to face her.

  When he saw her tears, he lifted his hand to gently brush them away and forced a miniscule smile. “I’m thinking that’s good enough. You’ve got the gist of it now; I don’t see the need to beat it into the ground.”

  Kat grabbed his hand. “I really think you should tell me everything, Danny. Or at least the stuff that hurts the most.”

  Danny’s neutral mask reappeared again. “Why?”

  “So you don’t have to carry it all by yourself anymore.” Danny’s mask fell away suddenly, leaving behind an expression so gut-wrenchingly vulnerable, Kat could hardly breathe. “That’s a terrible burden for a little boy to bear all by himself…and an equally difficult one for a man to carry alone, too.” She held onto his eyes. “Tell me, Danny. Let me help you carry it. I’m strong enough. And I need to. Because, when you love someone, their burdens are your burdens.”

  Danny shook his head. “My job is to make sure you have less burdens, not more, Kat.”

  She couldn’t help but smile at his impassioned tone. “I know you feel that way, caro. And I love you for it.” Kat’s smiled faded. “But you need to tell me this, if only so it doesn’t feel like such a horrible secret you need to keep from me.”

  His head turned away from her, again. “But it is a horrible secret.”

  “It is horrible that it happened and that won’t change, but, once you tell me, it won’t be a secret. And it will lose some of its power over you.”

  “Or maybe you’ll be so disgusted you’ll never want me to touch you again,” Danny said so softly Kat almost didn’t hear him.

  Almost.

  She gently gripped his chin and turned his head until their eyes met. “Is that what you’re worried about?” Kat searched his pained expression. “That you’ll tell me and somehow it will change how I feel about you?”

  “I already told you that before.”

  Kat huffed. “Yeah, well, I thought you were going to say you beat someone up or set a building on fire or…I don’t know…sold drugs or something. I wouldn’t have thought any less of you for that kind of stuff, but this?” Kat shook her head. “Danny, this was not your fault. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and you certainly aren’t to blame in any way.”

  “I never told anyone,” he said quietly, still staring into her eyes. “Not a soul. I could have; they would have removed me from the house. But I never said a fucking word.”

  “Why not?”

  “The kid who did it to me said he would kill me and I believed him. He was a huge thirteen year old and I was a scrawny, little nine year old. And because that particular foster family was a lot nicer than the ones I’d lived with before and I didn’t want to get removed from the house.” Danny scoffed. “Sounds fucked-up now…not doing a goddamned thing about it because I didn’t want to move, but it felt a lot different back then.” He shook his head. “I remember, clear as day, weighing out my options: fight that kid off every once in a while or take my chances on getting put in a home where I might get beaten and starved again.” Danny lifted a shoulder. “I guess to my stupid, pathetic nine year old mind, food and safety beat out letting someone try and victimize me.”

  Kat gaped at him. “My God, Danny, you didn’t let him do anything. He was bigger, stronger, and obviously very, very sick. You did the absolute best you could. You were just trying to survive.”

  Danny shrugged again, turning back to face the ceiling. “Yeah, well, whatever. It only happened a few times. And he never got past some grabbing, ‘cause I might have been small, but it doesn’t take a lot of muscle to bite, scratch, and knee someone in the balls.” He paused. “The ironic thing is I got moved not too long after that, anyway, and that’s the home where I met Nathan.” Danny paused again. “And then no one ever hurt me again. Not when Nathan was around.”

  “Does Nathan know?”

  Danny shook his head. “Nope. Never told him. You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

  Kat eyed him for a few seconds before whispering, “Can I hold you now, Danny? Because I’m trying to give you your space, but I don’t think I can wait another second.”

  After shooting her a look full of heartrending surprise and relief, Danny lifted his arm and Kat scooted beneath it, curling into his side. Danny’s arm came around her, she put hers around him, and they held onto each other tightly.

  “Thank you,” Kat whispered against his chest.

  “For what?”

  Kat reared back enough to meet his eyes. “Trusting me enough to share your secret with me.”

  Danny stared at her for a few long moments. “It’s not a secret anymore.”

  Kat shook her head slowly. “No, it’s not. Not between us.”

  “You still…” The anxious, terrified expression on his face as he searched hers hurt her heart. “You still want me, Kat…like you did before, right? You still love me, right?”

  “Danny…” Kat leaned up and over, wrapping her arm around his neck and pulling him into her. Her lips found his ear and whispered, “Of course, I want you just as badly. I will always want you just as badly, no matter what.” Danny’s arm tightened around her body as his mouth lowered to her neck.

  Kat threaded her fingers through the back of his hair and tugged until Danny met her eyes. She made sure he was looking straight into her before whispered
, “And I love you even more than I did before.”

  Danny had been staring at her like she’d hung the moon since the moment he’d held her in her old bedroom last week. But no look he’d given her before had been close to the one he was giving her now…

  It was a beautiful, gut-wrenching mixture of nothing but pure love, adoration, astonishment, and relief.

  Kat cupped his face, her eyes welling when Danny turned his head and pressed a kiss to her palm. “Do you believe me, Danny?”

  He nodded.

  “Then kiss me.”

  And he did.

  They talked and touched and kissed some more until Kat’s alarm went off at 6:30 a.m.

  Danny had asked her to play hooky and Kat had seriously considered calling in, but had ultimately decided against it. There were new results coming in today and she didn’t want to put all the responsibility and work on her co-workers. So Kat dragged her butt out of bed – when all she wanted to do was spend all day in it with Danny – and got dressed.

  Or tried to.

  After the third time of trying to balance on her right leg to shove her left into its pant leg, Kat huffed in frustration.

  “What’s wrong?” Danny said, still lying on her bed, arm bent behind his head as he watched her.

  God, he is so damn sexy.

  Call in and fool around with him all day.

  Ugh. Don’t become like those irresponsible idiots you hate.

  “When I’m tired, body parts obey even less than they normally do. Just a part of the disease,” Kat said, backing up to the wall to brace herself.

  “Here…” Danny slid out of bed naked, which did very little for Kat’s already wavering self-control and sense of responsibility. He sat on the edge of the bed and gestured for Kat to come closer. “Come here. Let me help you.”

  Kat stepped between his legs and held onto his shoulders. Danny held her pant leg up and open and helped her guide her fatigued, unruly leg into it. Kat stared at his face, loving it and him so much, as Danny adjusted her pants on her waist, pulled up her zipper and buttoned her button.

  He looked up at her, grinning. “Opposite of what we usually having going on, right?” When Kat just nodded, still staring, Danny looked around on the floor. “Where are your shoes? Let’s get those on you, too.”